Mold and Mildew Remover

The Growing Mildew Line

My bride and I just moved into our condo. It's beautiful, recent construction, lots of space, decent view, and in a quiet neighborhood. After a few months, I started noticing a tiny spot in the caulk around the bathtub. It was a tiny black spot, I rubbed it with my finger, it wasn't going away. Much like an odd-shaped mole on my shoulder, I made a mental note to keep an eye on it, to see if it changed much.

Well, I was sure glad it wasn't a mole on my shoulder, because that black spot started to grow. It followed the line of caulk, darkening it. I could almost track its daily progress. Each night when I stepped into the bathtub, my eyes went to that ominous, growing spot. My mind started playing tricks on me. I started dreaming of slime-filled bathtubs, all because that itty-bitty black spot grew into a hairy carnivorous mass. It was time to nip this bit of crawling slime in the bud.

Who Ya Gonna Call? SpotBusters

So, I raided that cabinet. You know, THAT cabinet. Everybody's got one. It's where you put the nastiest chemicals you can buy. There might be spray bottles with advertising claiming that the liquid inside will clean dirty collars, restore belts to their original luster, stop roaches in their tracks, and thin certain types of paint. It's got a bad smell, and the last thing you'd want to do is put your hand in there. So, I put on my thick rubber gloves. You know those gloves. You have to stretch them when you shove your hand inside, and when it's in there, you let go of the cuff and the rubber snaps back with that thick, rubbery sound that strikes fear in the hearts of patients unfortunate enough to find themselves alone with their proctologist.

Ah! Here's some bleach tile cleaner. I took that bottle out and sprayed some on that spot, and waited a day. The spot grew. It was like I sprayed Miracle Grow for ugly black spots on your bathtub grout. Next, Scrubbing Bubbles. The Bubbles lost. Toilet cleaner? Nope. Rubbing alcohol? The black spot just smiled and kept on growing. Gasoline? Now my bathtub smell like a rest stop with black spots.

It's a dark day when you make the decision to supply the dreaded cabinet with yet another bottle of liquid death. I went to the grocery store and walked down the aisle labeled "Household Cleaners." I'm thinking: "Mold, mildew....mildew, mold." Suddenly, there they were. Mold and Mildew Killers.

You know, there are not many places where seeing the word "Killer" brings that warm and fuzzy feeling. The big exceptions are in that Household Cleaners aisle. Death to mold. Kill the mildew. Die, germs, die. Murders 99% of all viruses. Just thinking of micro-organism genocide helps me sleep well at night.

So, I picked up the Tilex version of Mold and Mildew Killers. I hefted the bottle, good feel. I shook it and heard the microbial angel of death sloshing around in there. I put my hand around the bottles neck, like I was about to strangle something, and gingerly tried the trigger. I felt like Clint: OK, you bugs, go ahead, make my day! It felt gooood! Watch out, mold and mildew, the Sheriff's back in town.

It Was a Massacre!!

I pulled the Mold and Mildew killer out of the grocery bag and I strutted to the bathroom. I imagined myself, boll-legged, cowboy hat, six-guns on my hip, and spurs that jingle jangle jingle. I took off the safety on the spray bottle, directed the business end at the beginning of that mold and mildew line, where all the trouble started and gently squeezed the trigger. A white spray shot out of the bottle and hit its target. I squeezed again, and another breeze of death-mist found its way to my prey. Again, I squeezed, and then again. I lost control, shooting, just shooting, and the black spot got wetter and wetter. Finally, I heard a voice in my head, "Whoa, Tex! I think you got him!"

I stopped pulling the trigger, my hand hurt from the exertion, beads of sweat dripped down my forehead, my teeth unclenched, and the pounding of my heart subsided. The red haze dissipated from my field of vision and I saw the aftermath. The line of black was still there! It was still there! For the first time I felt despair. I looked at the bottle for comfort, and that is what I found: "Directions: Spray area. Wait 12 hours. Rinse."

With a deep sigh, I put the safety back on and holstered the Tilex. The killing had begun. If I listened I felt I could hear the death cries of those moldy, mildew buggers, choking on their last crumb of caulk. It was only a matter of time. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. A day on the battlefield is exhausting.

Tomorrow is Another Day

The sun beamed into the bedroom. A new day dawned. The mayhem of the previous day seemed a distant memory. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stumbled down the hallway to the battlefield. I could make out only shadows as I peered into the dark room. As I powered on the dimmer switch the bathtub lit up. It was white! There was not a speck of black to be seen. The enemy has been vanquished.

Maybe I was too harsh. Maybe they didn't deserve to die. We won the battle, Tilex and me, but, the victory is bittersweet. I guess that's the price for having a clean bathtub. You have to serve mold and mildew that eviction notice....or else!

Now, I'm focused on the future. Mold and mildew will be around long after the last human motors around on Mother Earth. But, for my little piece of heaven, mold and mildew will never again set foot. Not while Tilex is on my side.