Cheetos--The Recombinant Snackfood

I have a love-hate relationship with Cheetos. I love them because they are salty, crunchy, greasy, cheesy tasting, and glow-in-the-dark orange. I hate them because, for me, they are a symbol of a decaying society. They are totally synthetic, unnatural, packaged in petroleum-based cellophane, and consumed in large quantities in front of large-screen televisions by large-bellied couch potatoes whilst consuming large quantities of lite beer. And, they turn your fingers orange. If I ever see Cheestos crushed into the plush carpet lying between a large sofa and a large screen television, I may cry.

I haven't eaten Cheetos in a while. Believe me, the temptation to run out, right now, for a 12-oz bag is almost unbearable. About a decade ago, when I was weaker and gave into Cheetos temptation, I would eat them at work. Since I handled a good deal of paper, I developed a novel technique to avoid orange fingerprints on my papers. I brought a pair of tweezers from home. I poured the Cheetos in a paper bowl and ate them, one by one, gripping each odd-shaped morsel with the tweezers, and inserting into my mouth. No muss, no fuss, nirvana at work.

But, even then, I knew the dark secret about Cheetos: It is a totally engineered food.

You see, there are two schools of thought when it comes to food: 1. something I'll call Chef Thought, and 2. Food Science. Chef Thought is how most of us think when preparing food. We believe in getting the freshest ingredients, preferably from a farmer's market, frommagerie, butcher, or fish monger. We may use natural spices, butter, tomato sauces, olive oils, and so on. We will cook our food over an open flame, in an oven, or even on a spit. At the meal, everything smells wonderful. Our forks and knives cut into perfectly-cooked textures. And, the taste is memorable. What could be better?

The Food Scientists may think they have something better. Food Scientists aren't interested in farmers markets or butcher shops. Fresh food, or any kind of food, is off their radar screen.

I wasn't present when the idea of Cheetos was conceived. I'm sure there was a room full of Food Scientists charged with developing the Perfect Snackfood.

"Okay," said the head Food Scientist, Charlie Doolin, the creator of Cheetos and Fritos, "today we will develop the specifications for the Perfect Snack Food. When we create this delight, our company will make millions and we can all retire early. So, what should this snackfood look and taste like?"

Food Scientist 1: "It should be crunchy, people like crunchy."
Food Scientist 2: "It should be greasy, everybody I know loves greasy stuff."
Food Scientist 3: "How about cheesy tasting? Everybody loves cheese."
Food Scientist 4: "It should be fun to eat, maybe it should have a strange shape and be some crazy color."
Food Scientist 5: "Don't forget salty. It's not worth eating with lite beer if it isn't salty."

"Very good," said Charlie, "Let's create a crunchy, greasy, cheesy, salty, fun-to-eat, strangely-shaped, crazy-colored snackfood. Get to work."

Now, Food Scientists don't think like Chefs. So, when they think "crunchy," they don't mean crunchy like celery or pickles or green peppers, they think "really crunchy." If all they could produce is celery crunchy, why would anybody buy Cheetos? They should just buy celery.It's got to be crunchier than celery. How do you make something crunchier than Nature? Easy, you use "crunch enhancers," like maltodextrin, a highly-processed sugar derivative. So, let's throw some of that in our Perfect Snackfood.

How do you make something greasy? Easy, you add grease, or in this case, a mixture of "vegetable oils" and partially-hydrogenated soybean oil. Why do you need all these oils? Because the oil composition works to enhance that greasy "mouthfeel" of Cheetos. Too many healthy polyunsaturated oils are more fluid and detract from the crunch. Adding that partially-hydrogenated soybean oil congeals the grease for just the right mouthfeel. And, when I see "partially-hydrogenated," I read trans-fatty acids. But, hey, this is Food Science!

Cheesy, how do you make something cheesy? Simple, just add cheese, right? Wrong! Cheese just doesn't taste cheesy enough. Any Food Scientist worth his weight in fool's gold knows you have to add flavors to enhance the cheesy flavor. Mother Nature was sleeping on the job when she created cheese, not cheesy enough. So, let's add some dimethyl sufide. You can't believe this stuff, it's really cheesy tasting! And, it's volatile, meaning it evaporates quickly. So, when you open that bag, you get a blast of that yummy dimethyl sulfide. I'm salivating here.

And, while we are at it, let's add some preservatives like disodium phosphate and citric acid. And, if you still don't think there's enough flavor, let's throw in some monosodium glutamate. You know what that is, MSG. That's the stuff Chinese restaurants don't add to their food anymore. They let their suppliers add it.

Our good friends, the Food Scientists, then heat the whole mess under pressure, and extrude it into a blast of hot air, and voila, you have Cheetos! Make room at the table for me!

Let's catch up with those Chefs I mentioned at the beginning. You know, those guys who like farmer's markets? Do you think they have maltodextrin, or dimethyl sulfide, or disodium phosphate in their pantry? I think not. I'll bet they don't even know what dimethyl sulfide is for! Ask them about dimethyl sulfide, they will look at you like you came out of a Cheetos factory!

I still have a love-hate relationship with Cheetos. I know they won't love me back, and, if I eat enough of them, they might hate me back with some cheesy form of cardiovascular disease peculiar to Cheetos eaters. So, I can resist the urge to run out and get a bag. Maybe there's some celery in the refrigerator.